Someone dear to me recently pointed out that in friendship — as it is also with romantic love — the more you give, the more you receive. I believe that this requires some analysis.
The love of friendship, after all, is a pure form of love. It is more concentrated than agape (the purest form of love, a general willing of the good), focusing not on the everyman but instead on the individual. There is no expectation that the one to whom friendship is extended must do anything to merit this love other than being the person they are. All that is required is a mutual bond, where both individuals do their best to raise one another up and support each other in any way they can.
This is why the love of friendship should be at the root of any romantic relationship, at least if this relationship is to last. Friendship teaches us how to will the good of the other, how to compromise without diminishing ourselves, and how to live for another simply because they are them. If these things are missing in a romantic relationship, where eros is the only love that exists, there is a high risk that the whole thing will turn to lust.
How do we form lasting bonds of friendship? This is a difficult question. As human beings, we are inherently flawed, so we often wound others without meaning to. Furthermore, many of us have the infinite capacity to doubt the true intentions of the other, to wonder if they would rather (or in some cases if it would be better for them to) be away from us. We feel unworthy of their affection, or feel that they do not appreciate us.
To counteract this, we must remember that we are not the only ones involved. Friendship is a bond between individuals, so we alone do not decide who our friends are. They pick us as well. We do not force anyone to be our friends, and often they have reasons for keeping us around that we are unaware of. That’s the trouble with being unable to see through the eyes of whomever we wish. We must simply have faith that it is all for the best and do our utmost not to cause our friends pain.
-DTA
Very thoughtful and sensitive piece, daughter of mine. I think we sometimes underestimate the role played by trust — trust of the other, of one’s self, of God and the basic goodness of creation — in our relationships. This, I think, is why some severely damaged individuals never seem to benefit from the love we show them — they are like cracked pots that cannot hold water because they cannot trust that the things we say or do are true. They can’t believe that they can be loved, and are unable to recognize love when they see it. The irony is that although we need to love them anyway — it’s part of what we’re here for — we can never afford to trust our own happiness or security to such weak vessels.
By: Dad on April 28, 2010
at 9:51 am